Another Give Away

[FortTom]

Going to give away a Benchmade folder "551". I bought his just a few days ago, and decided I needed a "auto" due to hand size. It's the Griptillion model, black.

Instead of the usual boring "guess a number" game, this one will be slightly different. Entrants will post their best joke. (Please keep it "mostly" clean", in the decorum of this forum.)

Best joke wins. Not bad, it'll be a $110 joke. Submissions will end at midnight, Sunday, October 6th. You can post a joke, judge a joke or vote for a joke. I'm nominating UW, GatorDev and Jerry R, or Moderators and admins who in no way agreed to this, to cast final ballots on joke. And just like Sheldon Cooper, I'm not crazy, my parents had me tested.:P:P

BTW, you can post multiple jokes, just don't go crazy with it.

FT[:D]
EDIT: Accidently posted the knife as a "Blade Tech". It is a Benchmade. Sorry for the error.

[Stone]

Im in! #328 get it?[:D]

[Stone]

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

[FortTom]

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

, Damn, Stone, I guess since your joke is in first place, given that it's the only one, but those jokes are lame[:D] However with Mod's, admins, etc.., votes, and forum members votes, you could stay in the lead![:D][:D]

[Joelski]

I was at church the other day, helping a couple fellow parishioners with a task in the activity center prior to the service. A flustered-looking lady ran out of the restroom and called to us "Is mass out?" "No", I said, "but your hat's on crooked".

[:D]

[Stone]

, Damn, Stone, I guess since your joke is in first place, given that it's the only one, but those jokes are lame[:D] However with Mod's, admins, etc.., votes, and forum members votes, you could stay in the lead![:D][:D]

Alright, I thought those were funny.[BD] What has four legs and one arm? A rottweiler!

Can we keep trying until you spit coffee all over your monitor laughing so hard?[pop]

[fledge]

My 4th grader made up this joke this week:


Why did the baseball player fail to make pancakes?

He didn’t batter up.

[Tyrannosaur]

"The 8 year assault on your second amendment freedoms has come to a crashing end"

[UWone77]

After HPA passes... Hughes Amendment is next.

[UWone77]

My 4th grader made up this joke this week:


Why did the baseball player fail to make pancakes?

He didn’t batter up.

This reminds of jokes I'd see in a Laffy Taffy wrapper. [:D]

[rxer311]

A magician is driving down the street and turns into a bar.

[Former11B]

In Iraq why don’t they have sex Ed and driver’s ed on the same day?

Too much stress on the camel

[alamo5000]

In Iraq why don’t they have sex Ed and driver’s ed on the same day?

Too much stress on the camel

OUCH!

Can I declare you the winner? [:D]

[Former11B]

This cop is walking his beat past a cathedral on a cold Chicago Sunday morning and sees two of the altar boys outside, pants around their ankles, with their wieners stuck into the snow bank.

The cop hustles over and says “Boys! What’s the big idea? What the heck are you’s doing out here?”

The boys look at each other and back at the cop, and one pipes up and says “The father said he wanted a couple cold ones after the service!”

[Former11B]

This long time married couple were going through their morning routine in the bathroom: shaving, brushing teeth, brushing hair etc and the wife says “Honey, I think I need a boob job. I wish “they” were bigger. Can we afford it?”

The husband says “I know how you can get bigger boobs for free, you just have to do one easy thing and before you know it, they’ll be a lot bigger.”

Wife replies “Really? For free? How?”

Husband says “take a piece of toilet paper and every night before bed, rub it between your boobs. Before long, they’ll be huge!”

Wife says excitedly “You’re SURE this’ll work???”

The husband says “why not? It worked for your ass didn’t it?”

[Joelski]

Q: Why are camels called the "Ship of the Desert"?

A: Because they're full of Iranian Semen.

[Joelski]

Joebob and Billy Ray were walking toward each other when JoeBob noticed Billy Ray had a sack slung over his shoulder. "What ya got in yer poke?" JoeBob said. "Some possums I shot for dinner!" Billy Ray responded. JoeBob said "If I guess how many ya got, can I have one? I'm hongry!" Billy Ray replied "If you guess right, you can have both of them" JoeBob thought about it for a minute... "Three?"

[:D]

[FortTom]

This cop is walking his beat past a cathedral on a cold Chicago Sunday morning and sees two of the altar boys outside, pants around their ankles, with their wieners stuck into the snow bank.

The cop hustles over and says “Boys! What’s the big idea? What the heck are you’s doing out here?”

The boys look at each other and back at the cop, and one pipes up and says “The father said he wanted a couple cold ones after the service!”

Damn, you guys are getting pretty cold![:D] No pun intended.[:D]

[Big_Tom]

Why did the rooster go to KFC


To see a chicken strip!!



Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk

[Big_Tom]

This one may be not too appropriate but here it is. If its not mods can delete.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PROSTITUTE WITH A RUNNING NOSE?

.

..

..

...

FULL

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk

[FortTom]

Mine doesn't count, obviously but this is one I heard years and years ago.
The pastor of a church found out at the last minute that he didn't have an organ player for the choir, so as a desperate, last minute fix, he asked one of the members who was a piccolo player to sit in for the organist.

Things were fine until the choir started in with the piccolo player started to play. After about two minutes someone in the congregation shouted "piccolo player is a motherf___r!!!!"

The choir stopped, and the pastor was obviously outraged at this outburst. The pastor then asked the congregation, "who in here called the piccolo player a mother_____r" No one answered. So the pastor asked "who was the man sitting next to the man who called the piccolo player a mother____er"?. Again, no one answerred. Out of desperation and frustration the pastor asked the man, sitting next to the man, sitting next to the man who called my piccolo player a motherfu___r a piccolo player a muther @%#* please stand up"!

Finally one man stands up, as the whole congregation let out a collective gasp.

He said "pastor, I'm not the man who called the piccolo player a M'Fer.
I'm not the man sitting next to the man who called the piccolo a M'Fer.
I'm not even the man who sitting the man, setting next to the man, sitting next to the man who called your piccolo player a M'Fer.

What I want to know is, who called that mother'fer a piccolo player?[:D]

Alright pretty pathetic, apologies to anyone offended.

FT[:D]

[rxer311]

(Not really a joke but something I have thought about for a long time if I could make a stand up bit)

Does anybody in here have any apple products like an I phone?

Why are they so popular and why do people line up for blocks and blocks when they launch a new product?

It seems to me that Apple could put shit in a box, call it iShit and people would would line up for 5 blocks to buy shit in a box because it has an Apple logo on it. Then 6 months later Apple would release iShit too which is slightly smellier and quite a bit runnier and people would line up 6 blocks to get their hands on it!

(Not really a joke but something I have thought about for a long time)

[fledge]

(Not really a joke but something I have thought about for a long time if I could make a stand up bit)

Does anybody in here have any apple products like an I phone?

Why are they so popular and why do people line up for blocks and blocks when they launch a new product?

It seems to me that Apple could put shit in a box, call it iShit and people would would line up for 5 blocks to buy shit in a box because it has an Apple logo on it. Then 6 months later Apple would release iShit too which is slightly smellier and quite a bit runnier and people would line up 6 blocks to get their hands on it!

(Not really a joke but something I have thought about for a long time)

Smells like envy. [emoji23]

[rxer311]

Smells like envy. [emoji23]

Hmmm...new gun...or an I phone?

New gun please...and a cheap ass phone!

[fledge]

Hmmm...new gun...or an I phone?

New gun please...and a cheap ass phone!

I was making a joke in the spirit of this thread. Everything you said was about something that smells. Come on, work with me. [emoji1][emoji1]

[rxer311]

I know...and I would still take a cheap ass phone with a new gun any day!

[cjd3]

Apple fanboy since 1984 and the Apple ecosystem works for me and my family. After years of the Apple Death Watch, the company seems to be doing well. While I don’t line of for product releases, I replace them when needed. Usually longer than average. Bonus, Apple apparently cares about privacy.

Also, my gun photos look awesome with my iPhone.

[Jerry R]

Let us know how and when to vote ...

[Joelski]

(Not really a joke but something I have thought about for a long time if I could make a stand up bit)

Does anybody in here have any apple products like an I phone?

Why are they so popular and why do people line up for blocks and blocks when they launch a new product?

It seems to me that Apple could put shit in a box, call it iShit and people would would line up for 5 blocks to buy shit in a box because it has an Apple logo on it. Then 6 months later Apple would release iShit too which is slightly smellier and quite a bit runnier and people would line up 6 blocks to get their hands on it!

(Not really a joke but something I have thought about for a long time)

Don't forget the .x version that comes out 6 months after the flagship debut, right on cue when Apple throttles back performance and cracks the screen. It's a little bump to get over the hump til next time Jobs corpse takes a dump!

[:D]

[Joelski]

Bonus, Apple apparently cares about privacy.

Also, my gun photos look awesome with my iPhone.

Well, your gun photos look nice!

6937