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  1. #1
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    Long Story: What to do?

    This story is kind of long but there is so much going on that I am trying to figure out the best way to protect my sister and her kids while also keeping my family and my parents safe as well.

    My sister has been married for 20 years an the entire time my brother in law (BIL) has been verbally abusive and controlling. We all didn't see it at first but I could always tell that something was off. Like a couple of years ago my sister called me to pick her up at a concert, crying. When I picked her up, she said that my BIL was really drunk so she would let him drive them home. He got mad, yelled at her, took the keys and drove home wasted and left her there. Another time a few years before that, we were at a family get together he physically tried to manhandle me and throw me to the ground after a heated argument. This made the picture much clearer about the assault charge he (successfully) fought to get expunged from his teenage years in NJ.

    We have always known of his background and how he was physically and verbally abused by his stepdad when he was a kid and we suspect his sister was sexually abused. He is now an opposing figure at 6'3" and close to 300 lbs.

    Well about 18 months ago, shit started to hit the fan. I don't know all of the details of what happened but my sister said that he pulled a stunt that changed everything. I do know that it involved a gun, and the police picked him up a few minutes later. The gun was unloaded at the time but he was 302'd to the hospital I work at. Because of HIPPA, I obviously could not just look at his chart. From what I pieced together, he threatened to kill himself with the gun in front of my sister and their 3 kids.

    After that, my sister threw him out of the house and they have been working on counseling. Through the counseling, I am told by my sister that he was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (this is quite common for children of abuse). It is probably one of the worst personality disorders one can have.

    Anyway, recently he told my sister that he "accomplished all his goals" for counseling and was no longer going to go. This was not negotiable for my sister and things have now escalated. Apparently the other day he finally got physical with her and pushed her to the ground. She filed a PFA against him, but it is only temporary and since nobody else saw the incident the police are considering everything here say, so the PFA likely won't be permanent.

    Well last night my sister got served papers that she needs to go to court because he has filed for full custody of the kids. My nephews are 15 and 12 and neither of them want to be with him so I really don't think the courts could force them to go with him, but my Niece is only 4. My sister is now terrified that she could lose custody and even more terrified of him.

    He is losing control and he knows it. When people like him lose control, they can get desperate. Who knows what this dude is likely to do.

    He also obviously knows where I live an my parents live as well. I also wouldn't put it past him to file PFA's against my parents and my family as well (out of spite, not cause)...which would have ramifications for myself both professionally as well as my firearms rights.

    I know some of you in here are law enforcement and was hoping you might have some suggestions on how to protect all of us from this guy.
    Last edited by rxer311; 14 May 2019 at 11:19.

  2. #2
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    There's a lot to deal with here, but honestly in terms of getting suggestions from LE, there's not much.

    Contrary to what you maybe led to believe, they don't hand out Protection Orders like candy. Just because he tries to file one on you or anyone else in the family doesn't mean he'll get one. In fact I doubt without PD documentation from a previous incident he'll get one.

    What it boils down to is, you have an incident where it sounds like he was involuntarily committed 1.5 years ago and an alleged assault on the wife a few days ago that may or may not have been documented.

    There's not a lot here right now to be honest. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't do anything other than provide your sister support, emotionally or financially. She's got the temporary order, so in 2 weeks she'll go to court to see if that will be extended. She needs to get an attorney for a divorce, and get a parenting plan together.

  3. #3
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    Tell her to thoroughly document all communication with him if she has any. You maybe needed as a witness to help establish a pattern of behavior.

  4. #4
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    She has a whole bunch of threatening voicemails saved. I am also somewhat helping her other ways as well. Hopefully it is enough.

    I actually am somewhat expecting to have to testify.

  5. #5
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    Laws in states vary, but are these actual threats on the VM's or they're more general like, you'll get yours, watch your back, see what happens type of threats?

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by UWone77 View Post
    Laws in states vary, but are these actual threats on the VM's or they're more general like, you'll get yours, watch your back, see what happens type of threats?
    Magistrate can bring charges for communicating threats depending on what was said

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by UWone77 View Post
    Laws in states vary, but are these actual threats on the VM's or they're more general like, you'll get yours, watch your back, see what happens type of threats?
    I don't know for sure. My sister did not disclose that much info to me. She just said they were pretty vile.

    I know that he is a hot head and has massive verbal explosions so even if they weren't direct threats I would imagine that they are quite scary and could at least establish a pattern of behavior for custody purposes.

    In all this I feel the worst for my niece and nephews. The boys don't want anything to do with him.

  8. #8
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    Sounds like a mess..

    Props to you though, cause if I had a sister, and he did that stuff and for that long..

    .....

  9. #9
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    When he attacked me I was armed and he didn't know it. I walked away.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by rxer311 View Post
    When he attacked me I was armed and he didn't know it. I walked away.
    Probably the best decision you ever made in your life. Both legally and morally. Ever been in the MIL, or LEO? Ever killed anyone? Besides the obvious legal shit, you probably don't ever want to be in that position.

    Good for you. Hope it all works out, but I'm neither a cop or a lawyer, so I don't want to get to far into this conversation. A better set of days are coming.

    FT
    NRA Life Member
    Deplorables Life Member



  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by FortTom View Post
    Probably the best decision you ever made in your life. Both legally and morally. Ever been in the MIL, or LEO? Ever killed anyone? Besides the obvious legal shit, you probably don't ever want to be in that position.

    Good for you. Hope it all works out, but I'm neither a cop or a lawyer, so I don't want to get to far into this conversation. A better set of days are coming.

    FT
    I don't want to get into the weeds here. It's out of my lane. That said I've had my fair share of household problems generally from extended family.

    I would definitely echo FT here though.

    Restraint is often the best thing, that said at other times it just depends. No one knows without being there.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by FortTom View Post
    Probably the best decision you ever made in your life. Both legally and morally. Ever been in the MIL, or LEO? Ever killed anyone? Besides the obvious legal shit, you probably don't ever want to be in that position.

    Good for you. Hope it all works out, but I'm neither a cop or a lawyer, so I don't want to get to far into this conversation. A better set of days are coming.

    FT
    The thought never crossed my mind. It was just a note. I would not advocate otherwise.

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